I'm Baaaack

Dear lord! It’s been so long since I’ve had the misfortune to talk to you assholes. I would like to go right ahead and thank you all for the concern you showed when you realized I hadn’t talked to you in weeks (sarcasm). Not a single one of you called/texted/wrote a letter/sent up a smoke signal even though I could have very easily been dead. I appreciate the level of concern and I hope you all fall in a well.

Since there is so much to update you on, I’m going to do a cliff notes version.

Katie’s car finally crapped out on us leaving us stranded in Buffalo with no means of transportation for a week. It just proves my point that things would rather die than spend time in her company.

We went to Minneapolis for a week with Katie’s “friends” Raeann and Lexi. We stayed at Katie’s aunt and uncle’s house for four nights which is just enough time with Katie to put them on suicide watch but not quite enough time to push them over the edge. We went to the Mall of America where I tried to escape in a vat of Legos… and failed.

Katie then went to a concert of two weird, twin, Canadian lesbians. I just want to slap her and tell her “we get it, you’re cool and alternative. Now shut up about it.” As much as I hate to admit it, however, Tegan and Sara were decent. I mean, if you like that kind of thing. Which I don’t.

We’re currently in Pierre dog-sitting for Katie’s parents while they take some sickeningly sweet romantic holiday across the country. I’m gonna go ahead and call bull on this dog sitting thing though. Gracie can’t be left alone in the house for more than a day yet I can be left in the bottom of Katie’s backpack for WEEKS without anyone even noticing? What the hell kind of crap is that? Is it favoritism? Sexism? Speciesism? Whatever it is, I’m furious.

We took Gracie for a walk on Sunday at LaFramboise Island which was covered in snow. The walk started off fine but by the end of it, Gracie was moving so slowly, Katie was basically dragging her back to the car. And let’s be honest; walking through snow is the most resistance training Katie has done in years. She was exhausted by the end of the walk.

Lastly, we saw our good friends Tova, Mariah, and Emry. I have never been more disappointed in Mariah as she managed to go an entire meal speaking civilly to Katie. On the other hand, Emry, who is sick, coughed repeatedly and intentionally in Katie’s face so at least I have hope for that. Maybe we’ll all get lucky and she’ll die!

Until next week, I’m Ivan Denisovich. God bless.

Blah

It's cold. It snowed. I'm stuck with Katie. Happy F-ing Friday.

Same Shit, Different Year

I know it’s been a while since I last communicated with you guys but trust me, it was not my choice. Someone *cough* Katie *cough* forgot about me and left me in the bottom of her backpack. We all knew she wasn’t all that responsible to begin with but she’s taking negligence to a whole new level. I’m thinking we should take the preemptive measure of tying her tubes. The last thing we need is for her to be responsible for children.

My past couple weeks have been fairly to mostly boring. I kicked in the new year in Sioux Falls with two of Katie’s “friends” (you should hear the stuff I heard them say about her). Rather than celebrating at a huge party like normal people, they watched hours upon hours of Storage Wars and a few painful minutes of Finding Bigfoot. No better way to kick off the New Year.

As per usual, Katie is having car trouble. She keeps trying to blame it on the fact that she is driving a 15 year old vehicle. I wonder how long it will be before she realizes it’s because there is cat urine mixed in with the gas? It’s also hilarious because she has zero knowledge of engines or how to fix them if something goes wrong but that doesn’t stop her from trying. Seeing her pop open the hood and look around for 5 minutes never fails to make me laugh so hard that I pee myself (in her gas tank, of course). At the end of the day, she settles for adding more oil to the car because that seems to be the only thing she is capable of doing. Of course, all this does is make the car smell like it is on fire every time we come to a stop. Trust me, it’s hilarious.

Other than that, my New Year has been smooth sailing. We are back up in Buffalo where Katie has fallen back into her pattern of lethargy with almost alarming ease. To keep myself occupied while Katie sleeps off her poor life choices, I’ve been following the news and OMG so much has happened!

Did you guys know Jessica Simpson is pregnant—AGAIN? If there is one person in the world less suited to being a parent than Katie, it is the woman who didn’t know if Chicken of the Sea was tuna or chicken. I’m completely serious when I suggest forced sterilizations. Futures generations will thank us.

Everyone seems to be all concerned with Lance Armstrong’s doping scandal but I couldn’t care less. Frankly, I’m glad the Armstrong worship is over because I looked ridiculous in those “Livestrong” bracelets.

Lastly, the big news this week is that a Notre Dame football star had a fake girl friend who had been made up on the internet. Or something similar. I haven’t been paying that much attention to the story but I know that basically every news outlet has been gleefully reporting it nonstop. I honestly don’t know why everyone is focusing on this when we have so many more crazy internet people out there. Like the people who steal identities. Or look at child porn. Or create blogs that are “written” by their inanimate pets who may or may not be named Ivan.

Aren’t these the people we should really be trying to help/stop?

Think about it. Until next week, I’m Ivan Denisovich. God bless.

PS, for those you who are wondering, my New Year's resolution was to lose 2 ounces. I dropped an ounce but can't shed that last one. Any tips?

PPS Katie's New Year's resolution was to continue to be a lazy waste of space and so far she's doing amazing at it

Post- Christmas Meltdown

Christmas has come and gone. It's time to usher in the New Year.

Well, screw that.

I'm fricken pissed. I've been living with Katie for almost 5 full months now and my living situation hasn't changed. I spend EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. with the most miserable human being the earth has ever known.

Don't even try to placate me.

Don't say "she isn't that bad" or "just give her another chance."

You people have no idea about the kind of life I live or the struggle I deal with day after day to simply keep myself from walking into a blizzard without winter gear.

That's why I'm only making one New Year's resolution.

Either get out or die trying.
--

Sorry if that seems a little dramatic. I wrote that hours ago after I weighed myself and found that I put on 20 oz during the holiday season. Time to hop back on that scratching post and get back down to my target weight.

If only hating Katie was a workout...

Anyway, I hope you all have a great new year and if you feel so inclined, make your resolution to help me escape. I'll leave you with a picture of the present I got Katie for Christmas. Until next week, I'm Ivan Denisovich. God bless.

For those who can't quite make out the picture, it is an Edward Gorey print from his alphabet book which states "K is for Kate who was struck with an axe." It was a nice gesture of me, I know.

Tis the Season

Well, I was counting on the world to end last night so I didn’t write my weekly “blog” (aka pathetic journal of captivity) until I woke up this morning and realized my dreams of a doomsday ushered in by all four horsemen of the apocalypse was just that; a dream.

I'm so depressed about this that I might not even get up today 

Sorry if that seems a littler over dramatic but I do live with someone who regularly watches drivel on the CW and judges Grey’s Anatomy episodes based on whether she cries or not. “Over dramatic” is kind of part of my daily routine.

I should be grateful though, some people go through their entire life without finding their calling; drifting aimlessly about looking for a purpose. I, at least have been lucky enough to find mine: making Katie miserable.

This last week she spent hours downloading music and organizing her iTunes into perfect little playlists. She even recommended songs to a few people. It’s pretty obvious she things she has good taste in music. It would b hilarious if it wasn’t so pathetic. After all, let’s not forget that “Straight Up” by Paula Abdul is in her top 10 most played list…

We drove back to Pierre this week for Christmas and an eye appointment Katie had. I haven’t quite figured this whole “Christmas” thing out yet. I’m given to understand that it is a day celebrating the birth of the Christian version of the Messiah. But I also understand that this “Jesus” character was actually born in July or August but instead chooses to celebrate his birthday in the dead of winter. On top of that, his birthday is some how connected with a fat man in a red suit who breaks and enters into people’s houses through a chimney to leave presents. Apparently, it is impossible for this man to enter buildings unless they are covered in cheesy decorations and lights. Like I said, I don’t really get this Christmas thing.

Can you see me amidst all these tack decorations? 

Anyway, while in Pierre, Katie went to visit two of her friends who are teachers and got talked into doing a reading project with the students. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: willingly allowing someone like Katie around children will be looked on by historians years from now as the beginning of the end of American’s global dominance. But I digress. We read “The Grinch” out loud to the class. It’s kind of ironic because I’ve always thought of Katie as a mix between the Grinch and a dementor from Harry Potter. As far as a dementor goes, she sucks the life and soul out of everyone she meets, leaving them crippled half-shells of their former selves. And just like the Grinch, she’s not very pleasant to look at, hasn’t mastered basic social skills, and constantly wears ill-fitting clothing that makes you cringe. To quote “The Grinch,” the three words that describe her are “stink, stank, stunk.”

Am I the only one who sees the resemblance? 

Those are really the only things I’ve got going this week. Plus, I’m in the process of googling more about Christmas. I’m really trying to understand this thing. Until next week, I’m Ivan Denisovich. God bless.

Bad Driving

Praise the lord! Katie actually got her heart rate up for a short time this week!

Hang on, though.

Before you think it was some sort of physical activity, let me set the record straight.

She was watching the Celtics/Mavericks game on TV. The game went into double overtime and Katie—who apparently doesn’t have any real world concerns—got all worked up about it. Literally, her heart rate was at a dangerous level.

I thought Santa was going to bring me an early Christmas present in the form of Katie in a coffin.

Other than that, the highlight of my week was our trip to Spearfish. For one thing, it’s the second straight time I’ve been in the car with her when she hasn’t played “Straight Up” by Paula Abdul! It’s a miracle.

Secondly, she decided to go a day or two after we got hit with a bunch of snow and the wind was still blowing 20 miles an hour.

At least 10 miles of an iced over, unbending road. Seems safe

I’ve never really trusted Katie’s driving skills all that much—because I know what her intellectual level is (hint: it’s not high)—so her driving on slick surfaces in the wind with her check engine light on and a car that smells like burning oil if it runs for longer than 5 minutes was just a real treat. We white-knuckled it more than once and although I would be fine getting into a fiery car crash so I can escape this prison, if you are planning on being on a South Dakota road in the next few months, you might want to rethink your plans. Or else call ahead to find out where Katie is.

If you decide to drive anyway, don’t say I didn’t warn you. Until next week, I’m Ivan Denisovich. God bless.

What I'm Thankful For

Friends—or should I say “Accomplices who have let me live in captivity against my will without trying to rescue me”—it’s been a while since we’ve spoken and some good things have actually happened to me.

I mean, minus escaping Katie. For someone so stupid, she somehow manages to thwart every attempt. Must be dumb luck.

First off, deer hunting season started, which is great because I love looking at this all day.

On the plus side though, Katie might be accidentally shot so… I’ve at least got that going for me.

Also, Katie was climbing a tree the other day checking owl boxes and managed to scrape up her hand. Let’s face it; she had this one coming. Unless you are under the age of 12 or trying to escape from a crazed beast of the forest, you have no excuse to being climbing a tree. To make my feelings known, I spit in the open wound as she was sleeping.

 I think my urine has magical properties because the next day her had looked way worse

We also go our first legitimate snow here, which basically means Katie will begin hibernation. Not like she was all that active to begin with but when temperatures dip below freezing, Katie curls up with a “book” (crappy tv), a cup of “cider” (either Mountain Dew which is doing its best to give her negative bone density or Bailey’s because she’s a 70 year old man), and a “blanket” (in this case “blanket” actually does mean “blanket”). I’m hoping either her body atrophies to the point of death or she wanders outside and dies of hypothermia. I’m not picky. Either would work for me.

We also went to Minneapolis for Thanksgiving which basically meant another 11 hour drive just to eat ridiculous amounts of food. Thankfully, this trip we didn’t have to listen to Paula Abdul “Straight Up” at all. Either Katie finally got sick of that song or she finally realized she is not a black woman living in the late 80’s.

Here I am with Diego, Katie's mentally challenged polar bear. More about him next week 

We drove up with Katie’s parents named Ken and Barb. Yes, like Ken and Barb(ie). Don’t call them that though. Seriously. I learned that the hard way and am still picking paint chips out of my ass. They’re very nice in the “we’ve-been-married-for-over-20-years-and-still-love-each-other-way.” Frankly, it’s disgusting.

While in Minnesota, I reconnected with Katie’s aunt, uncle, and cousin whom I had met earlier. I also met another aunt and cousin of hers. None of that is very interesting but I did meet Bruce. Bruce is a wonderful plastic dinosaur who understood my plight like no one else.

 Best friends for life 

He too was sold into slavery by Katie (who this time bought him for her cousin, Danielle). I don’t envy his future. We had fun bonding over this and Katie finally won some brownie points with her creation of the most amoral, sacrilegious ginger bread village I have ever seen. I can’t even do it justice with words so just look at this masterpiece her and her cousins created.

 Bruce destroying a snowman, dead hooker hanging from roof, and giraffe eating a pot leaf. Merry Christmas

 My poop, dead lion, stabbed man, person snorting coke. 'Tis the season

 Close up of the dead man as well as Katie's surprisingly good drawing of a menorah

And for those of you wondering, I was pooping in front of a house that had a menorah in front of it. And before all you ACLU-types get up in arms, it wasn’t a hate crime; it was a simple neighborhood dispute…about our Christmas tree and their menorah.

Anyway, I’m currently back in Buffalo and in surprisingly good spirits. Thanksgiving taught me to be thankful for life and Black Friday taught me to go after what I want. Sometimes, in going after what we want, people get in our way. When they get in our way, it is acceptable to remove them in any manner we see fit.

Let’s just say, Katie is in my way… but she won’t be for long.

Until next week, I’m Ivan Denisovich. God bless.