KB Loves Being Lazy

There is no new KB Loves This this week because... well because I'm lazy and didn't quite get around to it.

Luckily for you, I have two other blogs that were new this week which you should check out.

KB Thinks For You:
I go off about annoying things people do at the pool.

KB Thinks Music:
The perfect soundtrack for your day at the beach.

And of course, feel free to check out previous posts on both of the other blogs as well previous posts on this one and I'll be back next week!

As Kristen Wiig would say, "Catch you on the flip side, mother f@ckers"

KB Loves Wild Animals

This week’s KB Loves This was supposed to be about frozen food but something just happened to me that forced me to change my topic.

I was attacked by a rabid bat.

I mean, sort of.

I mean, not really but that’s what it felt like was going to happen.

And since this is the third separate wild animal that has tried to kill me this summer, I figured this was a karmic issue that I needed to address head on.

I LOVE WILD ANIMALS.

There. I said it. Now will you stop trying to kill me?

Let me rehash:

1. Barn Swallows

            I think we all remember the Barn Swallow Incident of 2012. If not, click here. The crisis, for the most part, is over but I still wake up in cold sweats thinking of those beady little eyes and razor sharp beaks.

2. Mice

            As embarrassing as this is for me to say, I am one of those terribly annoying girls that shriek at the sight of a mouse. I didn’t think I would be but I was proved wrong when a mouse found its way into the pool house (for all you Health Inspectors reading this, it has since been taken care of). Anyway, I’m sitting in the guardhouse minding my own business when a band of screaming Native Americans runs in (this isn’t racist because it was the kids from the Pierre Indian Learning Center, aka my favorite kids ever). They had chased the mouse into the guard house and Raeann and I spent the next twenty minutes standing on stools taking comically exaggerated swipes at inanimate objects with brooms in the off chance the mouse was hiding there.

3. Bats

            This was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I went to see the Pierre Players productions of “Quilts” which includes my boss and friend, Paula. Everything was going great until OUT OF NOWHERE a bat flew out from the back of the stage to RIGHT ABOVE MY HEAD. Apparently other people in Pierre are not as aware of animals as I am because everyone else sat in their seat like nothing had happened. In the meantime, I was crouched under mine starring at the ceiling while Raeann was covering her head with her sweatshirt. Needless to say, the rest of the play was lost on me as I spent the remainder of the time peeking into corners and preparing to cover my Jugular Vein and Carotid Artery from the sharp fangs of the bat.

So that’s it. Animals, you win.

I’m afraid to get into my car because I know a girl who had a snake get in through the wheel well. I won’t check under things because I know a guy who was bitten by a rattlesnake checking under his car. I’m afraid to go into my garage at night because of every television show where I’ve seen possums and raccoons sleeping in the rafters. I’m afraid to lay under a tree in case a squirrel jumps onto my face. Next thing you know I won’t be able to leave my house because a vicious roly-poly bug is blocking my door.

So this is my attempt to turn my karma around. Dear Lord, please let it work.

KB Loves Poppa Ken

In honor of Father’s Day, I’ve decided to do a KB Loves This about my father. Don’t worry, I’m not about to lapse into sickeningly sweet sentimental stories (although that’s the kind of crap my dad eats up). Instead, I’m going to tell you some of the most vivid memories I have of him: most of which involve a bad decision followed by an injury.

Note: this is not meant to suggest that my father was a bad father. If I thought that I would have done a “KB Loves Hating on LeBron” blog today instead. On the contrary, he was a good dad growing up and he’s still doing a pretty good job of parenting (he paid me to say that)

Wagon Issues

When I was little, I had a Red Flyer wagon. Remembering that when he was little you could steer the wagon while sitting in it, my father packed me into the wagon, hopped in behind, and pushed us off down a hill. It was only then that he realized wagon designs had changed since his day. Without the ability to steer, he soon realized that, due to the high sides of the wagon, he also couldn’t stop us with his feet. Luckily for us, a bump stopped us… and sent our bodies flying.

Bike Issues #1

Hard to believe but when I was little I was an even bigger baby than I am now. My father and I went on a bike ride but I was too tired to make it home. Instead of allowing me to stop and pout, my ever helpful father reached down and grabbed the center of my handlebars and began to tow me home at a fairly brisk pace. Enter a patch of gravel. As can be imagined, the grip he had on my handlebars was already tenuous at best and the gravel caused him to lose completely control... And caused me to get some pretty awesome gravel cuts.

Wheelchair Issues

While visiting Mount Vernon (George Washington’s home) as kid, my family rented a wheelchair to help my grandma get around. When my grandma decided not to use the wheelchair for a bit, my father decided it would be fun to push me in it. As the name suggests, Mount Vernon is rather hilly. As the previous stories suggest, my father once again lost control of the wheelchair. While neither of us was injured, a good number of tourists still remember that trip as the time they had to jump out of the way of a 5-year-old with a bowl cut in a wheelchair being chased by a balding man with a mustache.

 Hey, I never claimed we were photogenic. Plus, we were in a cave so... f off

Bike Issues #2

My father and I used to have one weekend every summer where we would go camping or rock climbing or caving or bike riding or some other outdoor excursion. One summer, we got it in our head that we would ride the 110 mile Mickelson Trail in two days on a tandem bike. First of all, if you ever think it is a good idea to ride that many miles on a bike, think again. My butt has never been that sore. Anyway, midafternoon on the second day of our ride, we made it to the end of the trail in Edgemont, SD. Due to the aforementioned soreness of my ass, I was standing on the back of the tandem in eager anticipation of the moment I could get off that mother f-ing bike. My father, in a display of joy apparently brought on by his delirium, decided that would be the perfect moment to slam on the brakes and yell “We’re done!” You know what else was done? My hips. And my calves. And my father’s belief in my innocence.

What had happened was at the apprupt stop, my precariously perched body flung forward nailing my hips against the handle bars while my feet slid off pedals which continued to go around until they made contact with the back of my calves reducing them to something which vaguely resembled pulled pork. In anger and pain, I turned to my father and yelled “What the F@CK did you do that for?”

Like I said earlier though, these stories aren’t meant to make my dad seem like a bad dad. In fact, he’s pretty awesome. I would insert a number of heartwarming stories about us bonding but, let’s face it, that’s not the kind of stuff you want to hear.

Does your dad do this? (Silence) That's what I thought.

Happy Father’s Day to everyone (especially Poppa Ken)

KB Loves Wal-Mart

To all my East coast friends: don’t judge.

To all my Midwest friends: you know what’s up.

Wal-Mart is heaven on earth.

Since I’ve been home, I’ve been to Wal-Mart about 15 times… and once I went three times in one day.

It’s not an addiction, it’s a lifestyle choice.

Seriously, where else can I get everything from gum to guns to gardening equipment? From bedding to baby clothes to beer? From fish to first aid stuff to furniture? From televisions to toys to Theraflu?

It literally has everything you could possibly want (minus dignity, which you immediately lose when you walk in the door)

Perhaps what I love the most about Wal-Mart, however, are the many different people you see there.

For instance, on one of the days I was there multiple times, I saw the same family twice, about 3 hours apart… and each time they had a cart full of things. Oh and the little boys both had pasty skin, mohawks, and neck cords to hold on their glasses.

Just the other day I was at Wal-Mart at about 5 PM when I passed a couple in the produce section. As I walked by, I almost passed out from the alcohol fumes wafting off of them. Getting drunk in the afternoon then shopping for tomatoes at Wal-Mart is normal, right?

Other times I’ve seen three little boys and their Grandma. None of the three boys were wearing shoes and two of them did not even have on shirts.

(Going barefoot in Wal-Mart is not unheard of, however. I know for a fact that a certain someone who shall remain nameless (*cough* Raeann *cough*) went into Wal-Mart barefoot just a few summers ago)

Don’t believe me that you can meet awesome people there? Well check out peopleofwalmart.com for more proof.

And now, quit reading my blog and go to Wal-Mart to browse their $5 DVD bin.

KB Loves Whole Foods

I’ve been back in SD for a week and a half now and I pretty much love being home. But, there is one big gapping hole in my life that makes me miss New York like no other.

And no, I’m not talking about my roommates.

I’m talking about the one and only Whole Foods.

If you have an extra hundred or so dollars burning a hole in your pocket and have a strong desire to eat all-organic, free-range, vegan, or fair-market food rather than the usual Kraft Mac ’n’ cheese, than Whole Foods is the place for you.

There is no better place to pick up over-priced food that you could have just grown in your own garden.

But, if you think my descriptions of it so far make it seem like I’m mocking Whole Foods, you are 100% wrong. I worship at the eco-friendly post-consumer recycled altar they have constructed.

I don’t know what kind of magic they weave but when everyone else has wilted and colorless fruit and vegetables in mid-winter, Whole Foods has produce of a better quality than you can get in South Dakota any time of the year.

Don’t even get me started on the meat and seafood. As someone who typically avoids meat due to the texture and taste, every time I go to Whole Foods I am almost lured into buying rump-roasts and pork-loins and goat-medallions. They also have the type of seafood selection that someone like me, who loves everything that comes out of the ocean, would die for. Lobster, whole fresh fished, smoked fish, salmon salad, stuffed clams and whatever else you could ever want.

So you don’t really want to make a meal? That’s fine. They have an unbelievable selection of frozen dinners that taste delicious in spite of the fact that they are gluten free/vegan/tofu or any other nasty kind of food you could think of.

I’d be remise if I didn’t mention their lunch and dinner buffets. I have to be honest, the buffet foods are mainly various salads made of things like kale and butternut squash and look like something that should be slopped into a pig’s trough BUT they are absolutely delicious!

Next time you are planning a vacation, don’t worry about good hotels or shopping centers or tourist spots, just make sure they have a Whole Foods and then go nuts!

Literally, go nuts. They have a ridiculous selection of nuts.