KB Loves Mountain Dew

The following is not a paid advertisement for Mountain Dew (although I will gladly accept any money they want to throw my way)

Those of you who know me well are probably surprised there hasn’t been a post dedicated entirely to Mountain Dew yet and frankly, I’m surprised too. You know how they say men think about sex every seven seconds? Well, I’m pretty sure I think about Mountain Dew at least that often. I even dream about it (no joke, I had a crazy dream a few nights ago and the whole time I was walking around with a Mountain Dew in hand).

Everyone knows those commercials for Klondike Bars that say “what would you do-O-o for a Klondike Bar?” Well, when it comes to Mountain Dew, it’s better to ask “what wouldn’t you do-O-o for a Mountain Dew?” and I can honestly (and proudly) answer, there is almost nothing I wouldn’t do to get my hands on an ice cold Mountain Dew.

I wouldn’t murder someone… unless it was someone I didn’t like… or know very well… or wasn’t an immediate family member… or if I could get away with it. So basically, yes, I would murder for Mountain Dew.

I wouldn’t sell my body… unless he was good looking… or decent looking… or had at least two cold 20oz… ok fine. You talked me into it. For one cold 20oz bottle of Mountain Dew, yes I would sell my body.

I wouldn’t betray a friend or my country… unless the person asking gave me a Mountain Dew in exchange for information.

Ok.

Well.

This went downhill quickly. Apparently, I will literally do ANYTHING for a Mountain Dew.

Do I have no shame? Do I have no self-control? Do I have no self-respect?

No.

I am dangerously deficient in all these areas but who can blame me? When I think of Mountain Dew, my eyes glaze over. My mouth begins to water. My only thought is, “how can I get some of that sweet, sweet nectar of the gods into my body?”

If I go too long without ingesting some of that stomach corroding battery acid my body begins to shut down. My head begins to pound. My legs begin to ache. I start throwing up non-stop—oh wait, that’s because of my bulimia. Anyway, it’s not pretty. I’ve been known to black out and wake up days later with a Mountain Dew in hand, covered in blood and chicken feathers—oh wait, that’s the plot to the Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

I know I sound like a perfect candidate for “Intervention” but before you sign me up for it, think about what we just learned about my character:

1.     I don’t care how my “addiction” has effected your life

2.     I fully understand the extent of my problem and my inability to be a functioning member of society without Mountain Dew

3.     I am aware of the health risks: diabetes, headaches, insomnia, extraordinarily low bone density, etc. It really doesn’t concern me

4.     With all of this being said, trying to do an intervention for me is as big of a waste of time as watching Sarah Palin do… well, basically do anything.

Good. Now that we’ve got that covered, someone bring me a can of the good stuff

KB Loves Activism through Social Media

Last night while on Facebook I saw that someone had shared a photo from Mitt Romney’s page saying, “We can’t afford 4 more years” with a picture of Obama. Underneath the picture was the caption with a link saying “sign this petition if you agree.”

I’m not here to shout about my politics (especially because it’s probably fairly clear by now) What I would like to comment on is all the “good” that we are doing by our online activism.

Remember earlier this year when everyone was flipping out about Joseph Kony? And they put out that video that was like 30 minutes long? I watched about 10 minutes of it before I gave up. But I still signed the petition thing. And now I get the added bonus of feeling extra guilty when I delete the emails they send me.

One thing I didn’t do, though, was post that green “Invisible Children” logo as my profile picture on either Facebook or Twitter. I mean, seriously, what is that supposed to accomplish? What is the reasoning behind that?

“I made my profile picture the invisible children thing.”

“Oh wow. Kony must be shaking in his boots.”

Similarly, what is Mitt Romney hoping to accomplish by having people sign a petition saying that they hate Obama? I’m all for disagreeing with politicians and arguing against the status quo but… a petition? Seriously?

I mean, I could make a petition saying, “Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron were such a cute couple!!! Sign this petition if you agree and think they should get back together <3” and that would make about as much difference as signing a petition saying you hate Obama. Last I checked, the only “petition” that matters is the one in November. Until then, you can leave your noble ideas and righteous indignation off my newsfeed.

Lastly, what is the deal with all of these religious zealots who apparently misread the bible? I’m pretty sure it says “I am the way, the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me” not “Facebook is the way, the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through reposting this bible verse.”

Seriously, if I had a dollar for every time I saw a status saying “Being a Christian is (fill in blank about imagined persecution here) 95% of people won’t repost this. Will you be one of the 5% who will?” I mean, what is that going to accomplish? Don’t you think God would be happier with you letting your words, thoughts, and actions speak for your Christianity rather than simply clicking “share” to show your devotion?

I’m sorry if this post turned a little more bitter/sarcastic than most KB Loves This posts but people are just getting ridiculous.

If you really want to make a difference in the world, go for it! Let me know how it feels to be wearing a halo because I probably won’t get there. But don’t think that changing your profile picture is making any difference. I’ll leave you now to try to hold together the pieces of your broken dreams.

KB Loves Strong Women (aka NOT Bella and Anastasia)

If you read Wednesday’s KB Thinks For You , you should know how I feel about stupid girls who don’t have a mind of their own. So instead of going on another rant about other women who I would like to forget about, I decided to make a list of some smart, strong women.

Elizabeth Bennett

Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice

I know she’s the go-to woman for feminists so I’ll be brief. Basically she waves her middle finger at the establishment and tells them she’s going to marry who she wants, when she wants and if they don’t like it, they can go screw themselves

"You seriously think I'm going to marry that wanker?"

Tess Durbeyfield

Thomas Hardy’s Tess of the d’Urbervilles

I know this might not be the best example because she spends the first part of the book allowing herself to be sexually assaulted and becoming pregnant, the second part being idealized by a man, the third wallowing in misery after said man finds out about the pregnancy, and the fourth being hung for murdering the guy that got her pregnant but she’s actually pretty strong. After Angel (second man) leaves her, she does what she’s got to do to survive… which happens to be taking up with Alec (first man). When Angel comes back, she murders Alec to get what she wants (Angel) and they live happily… until she is hung for murder. Still, she made her own choices and was in charge of her own fate

Hermione Granger

JK Rowling’s Harry Potter

Finally a strong woman from today’s literature! Unlike Bella and Anastasia, Hermione uses her brain and helps save the world from Lord Volde—I mean, He-who-shall-not-be-named. Without her, Harry would have died countless times and Ron would have died alone. She never acted stupid or apologized for her brains. And I guess for that we can excuse her for marrying a ginger.

"If you say you like Twilight one more time..."

Ayn Rand

Ayn Rand is the kind of woman you wouldn’t want to meet in a dark alley. She literally wrote the book on selfishness (The Virtue of Selfishness) and lived by her own moral code. Her philosophy definitely isn’t for everyone but we can all admire her as someone who thought her own thoughts and actually lived the philosophy she preached. While I could talk for days about her philosophy (I’d have to spend days because it’s lengthy) I’ll leave you with the quote that she believed best described it “I swear, by my life and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.”

"Yes, I'm selfish. What of it?'

And yes, I know Katniss is not on this list because I haven't read that book yet. Don't worry, when I get around to it, maybe she'll get a whole post about her own badassery.

So ladies, can we please agree to be people like this rather than people like Bella and Anastasia?