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It's cold. It snowed. I'm stuck with Katie. Happy F-ing Friday.

Same Shit, Different Year

I know it’s been a while since I last communicated with you guys but trust me, it was not my choice. Someone *cough* Katie *cough* forgot about me and left me in the bottom of her backpack. We all knew she wasn’t all that responsible to begin with but she’s taking negligence to a whole new level. I’m thinking we should take the preemptive measure of tying her tubes. The last thing we need is for her to be responsible for children.

My past couple weeks have been fairly to mostly boring. I kicked in the new year in Sioux Falls with two of Katie’s “friends” (you should hear the stuff I heard them say about her). Rather than celebrating at a huge party like normal people, they watched hours upon hours of Storage Wars and a few painful minutes of Finding Bigfoot. No better way to kick off the New Year.

As per usual, Katie is having car trouble. She keeps trying to blame it on the fact that she is driving a 15 year old vehicle. I wonder how long it will be before she realizes it’s because there is cat urine mixed in with the gas? It’s also hilarious because she has zero knowledge of engines or how to fix them if something goes wrong but that doesn’t stop her from trying. Seeing her pop open the hood and look around for 5 minutes never fails to make me laugh so hard that I pee myself (in her gas tank, of course). At the end of the day, she settles for adding more oil to the car because that seems to be the only thing she is capable of doing. Of course, all this does is make the car smell like it is on fire every time we come to a stop. Trust me, it’s hilarious.

Other than that, my New Year has been smooth sailing. We are back up in Buffalo where Katie has fallen back into her pattern of lethargy with almost alarming ease. To keep myself occupied while Katie sleeps off her poor life choices, I’ve been following the news and OMG so much has happened!

Did you guys know Jessica Simpson is pregnant—AGAIN? If there is one person in the world less suited to being a parent than Katie, it is the woman who didn’t know if Chicken of the Sea was tuna or chicken. I’m completely serious when I suggest forced sterilizations. Futures generations will thank us.

Everyone seems to be all concerned with Lance Armstrong’s doping scandal but I couldn’t care less. Frankly, I’m glad the Armstrong worship is over because I looked ridiculous in those “Livestrong” bracelets.

Lastly, the big news this week is that a Notre Dame football star had a fake girl friend who had been made up on the internet. Or something similar. I haven’t been paying that much attention to the story but I know that basically every news outlet has been gleefully reporting it nonstop. I honestly don’t know why everyone is focusing on this when we have so many more crazy internet people out there. Like the people who steal identities. Or look at child porn. Or create blogs that are “written” by their inanimate pets who may or may not be named Ivan.

Aren’t these the people we should really be trying to help/stop?

Think about it. Until next week, I’m Ivan Denisovich. God bless.

PS, for those you who are wondering, my New Year's resolution was to lose 2 ounces. I dropped an ounce but can't shed that last one. Any tips?

PPS Katie's New Year's resolution was to continue to be a lazy waste of space and so far she's doing amazing at it