What I'm Thankful For

Friends—or should I say “Accomplices who have let me live in captivity against my will without trying to rescue me”—it’s been a while since we’ve spoken and some good things have actually happened to me.

I mean, minus escaping Katie. For someone so stupid, she somehow manages to thwart every attempt. Must be dumb luck.

First off, deer hunting season started, which is great because I love looking at this all day.

On the plus side though, Katie might be accidentally shot so… I’ve at least got that going for me.

Also, Katie was climbing a tree the other day checking owl boxes and managed to scrape up her hand. Let’s face it; she had this one coming. Unless you are under the age of 12 or trying to escape from a crazed beast of the forest, you have no excuse to being climbing a tree. To make my feelings known, I spit in the open wound as she was sleeping.

 I think my urine has magical properties because the next day her had looked way worse

We also go our first legitimate snow here, which basically means Katie will begin hibernation. Not like she was all that active to begin with but when temperatures dip below freezing, Katie curls up with a “book” (crappy tv), a cup of “cider” (either Mountain Dew which is doing its best to give her negative bone density or Bailey’s because she’s a 70 year old man), and a “blanket” (in this case “blanket” actually does mean “blanket”). I’m hoping either her body atrophies to the point of death or she wanders outside and dies of hypothermia. I’m not picky. Either would work for me.

We also went to Minneapolis for Thanksgiving which basically meant another 11 hour drive just to eat ridiculous amounts of food. Thankfully, this trip we didn’t have to listen to Paula Abdul “Straight Up” at all. Either Katie finally got sick of that song or she finally realized she is not a black woman living in the late 80’s.

Here I am with Diego, Katie's mentally challenged polar bear. More about him next week 

We drove up with Katie’s parents named Ken and Barb. Yes, like Ken and Barb(ie). Don’t call them that though. Seriously. I learned that the hard way and am still picking paint chips out of my ass. They’re very nice in the “we’ve-been-married-for-over-20-years-and-still-love-each-other-way.” Frankly, it’s disgusting.

While in Minnesota, I reconnected with Katie’s aunt, uncle, and cousin whom I had met earlier. I also met another aunt and cousin of hers. None of that is very interesting but I did meet Bruce. Bruce is a wonderful plastic dinosaur who understood my plight like no one else.

 Best friends for life 

He too was sold into slavery by Katie (who this time bought him for her cousin, Danielle). I don’t envy his future. We had fun bonding over this and Katie finally won some brownie points with her creation of the most amoral, sacrilegious ginger bread village I have ever seen. I can’t even do it justice with words so just look at this masterpiece her and her cousins created.

 Bruce destroying a snowman, dead hooker hanging from roof, and giraffe eating a pot leaf. Merry Christmas

 My poop, dead lion, stabbed man, person snorting coke. 'Tis the season

 Close up of the dead man as well as Katie's surprisingly good drawing of a menorah

And for those of you wondering, I was pooping in front of a house that had a menorah in front of it. And before all you ACLU-types get up in arms, it wasn’t a hate crime; it was a simple neighborhood dispute…about our Christmas tree and their menorah.

Anyway, I’m currently back in Buffalo and in surprisingly good spirits. Thanksgiving taught me to be thankful for life and Black Friday taught me to go after what I want. Sometimes, in going after what we want, people get in our way. When they get in our way, it is acceptable to remove them in any manner we see fit.

Let’s just say, Katie is in my way… but she won’t be for long.

Until next week, I’m Ivan Denisovich. God bless.