I'm Baaaack

Dear lord! It’s been so long since I’ve had the misfortune to talk to you assholes. I would like to go right ahead and thank you all for the concern you showed when you realized I hadn’t talked to you in weeks (sarcasm). Not a single one of you called/texted/wrote a letter/sent up a smoke signal even though I could have very easily been dead. I appreciate the level of concern and I hope you all fall in a well.

Since there is so much to update you on, I’m going to do a cliff notes version.

Katie’s car finally crapped out on us leaving us stranded in Buffalo with no means of transportation for a week. It just proves my point that things would rather die than spend time in her company.

We went to Minneapolis for a week with Katie’s “friends” Raeann and Lexi. We stayed at Katie’s aunt and uncle’s house for four nights which is just enough time with Katie to put them on suicide watch but not quite enough time to push them over the edge. We went to the Mall of America where I tried to escape in a vat of Legos… and failed.

Katie then went to a concert of two weird, twin, Canadian lesbians. I just want to slap her and tell her “we get it, you’re cool and alternative. Now shut up about it.” As much as I hate to admit it, however, Tegan and Sara were decent. I mean, if you like that kind of thing. Which I don’t.

We’re currently in Pierre dog-sitting for Katie’s parents while they take some sickeningly sweet romantic holiday across the country. I’m gonna go ahead and call bull on this dog sitting thing though. Gracie can’t be left alone in the house for more than a day yet I can be left in the bottom of Katie’s backpack for WEEKS without anyone even noticing? What the hell kind of crap is that? Is it favoritism? Sexism? Speciesism? Whatever it is, I’m furious.

We took Gracie for a walk on Sunday at LaFramboise Island which was covered in snow. The walk started off fine but by the end of it, Gracie was moving so slowly, Katie was basically dragging her back to the car. And let’s be honest; walking through snow is the most resistance training Katie has done in years. She was exhausted by the end of the walk.

Lastly, we saw our good friends Tova, Mariah, and Emry. I have never been more disappointed in Mariah as she managed to go an entire meal speaking civilly to Katie. On the other hand, Emry, who is sick, coughed repeatedly and intentionally in Katie’s face so at least I have hope for that. Maybe we’ll all get lucky and she’ll die!

Until next week, I’m Ivan Denisovich. God bless.