KB Loves Mountain Dew

The following is not a paid advertisement for Mountain Dew (although I will gladly accept any money they want to throw my way)

Those of you who know me well are probably surprised there hasn’t been a post dedicated entirely to Mountain Dew yet and frankly, I’m surprised too. You know how they say men think about sex every seven seconds? Well, I’m pretty sure I think about Mountain Dew at least that often. I even dream about it (no joke, I had a crazy dream a few nights ago and the whole time I was walking around with a Mountain Dew in hand).

Everyone knows those commercials for Klondike Bars that say “what would you do-O-o for a Klondike Bar?” Well, when it comes to Mountain Dew, it’s better to ask “what wouldn’t you do-O-o for a Mountain Dew?” and I can honestly (and proudly) answer, there is almost nothing I wouldn’t do to get my hands on an ice cold Mountain Dew.

I wouldn’t murder someone… unless it was someone I didn’t like… or know very well… or wasn’t an immediate family member… or if I could get away with it. So basically, yes, I would murder for Mountain Dew.

I wouldn’t sell my body… unless he was good looking… or decent looking… or had at least two cold 20oz… ok fine. You talked me into it. For one cold 20oz bottle of Mountain Dew, yes I would sell my body.

I wouldn’t betray a friend or my country… unless the person asking gave me a Mountain Dew in exchange for information.

Ok.

Well.

This went downhill quickly. Apparently, I will literally do ANYTHING for a Mountain Dew.

Do I have no shame? Do I have no self-control? Do I have no self-respect?

No.

I am dangerously deficient in all these areas but who can blame me? When I think of Mountain Dew, my eyes glaze over. My mouth begins to water. My only thought is, “how can I get some of that sweet, sweet nectar of the gods into my body?”

If I go too long without ingesting some of that stomach corroding battery acid my body begins to shut down. My head begins to pound. My legs begin to ache. I start throwing up non-stop—oh wait, that’s because of my bulimia. Anyway, it’s not pretty. I’ve been known to black out and wake up days later with a Mountain Dew in hand, covered in blood and chicken feathers—oh wait, that’s the plot to the Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

I know I sound like a perfect candidate for “Intervention” but before you sign me up for it, think about what we just learned about my character:

1.     I don’t care how my “addiction” has effected your life

2.     I fully understand the extent of my problem and my inability to be a functioning member of society without Mountain Dew

3.     I am aware of the health risks: diabetes, headaches, insomnia, extraordinarily low bone density, etc. It really doesn’t concern me

4.     With all of this being said, trying to do an intervention for me is as big of a waste of time as watching Sarah Palin do… well, basically do anything.

Good. Now that we’ve got that covered, someone bring me a can of the good stuff

KB Loves Activism through Social Media

Last night while on Facebook I saw that someone had shared a photo from Mitt Romney’s page saying, “We can’t afford 4 more years” with a picture of Obama. Underneath the picture was the caption with a link saying “sign this petition if you agree.”

I’m not here to shout about my politics (especially because it’s probably fairly clear by now) What I would like to comment on is all the “good” that we are doing by our online activism.

Remember earlier this year when everyone was flipping out about Joseph Kony? And they put out that video that was like 30 minutes long? I watched about 10 minutes of it before I gave up. But I still signed the petition thing. And now I get the added bonus of feeling extra guilty when I delete the emails they send me.

One thing I didn’t do, though, was post that green “Invisible Children” logo as my profile picture on either Facebook or Twitter. I mean, seriously, what is that supposed to accomplish? What is the reasoning behind that?

“I made my profile picture the invisible children thing.”

“Oh wow. Kony must be shaking in his boots.”

Similarly, what is Mitt Romney hoping to accomplish by having people sign a petition saying that they hate Obama? I’m all for disagreeing with politicians and arguing against the status quo but… a petition? Seriously?

I mean, I could make a petition saying, “Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron were such a cute couple!!! Sign this petition if you agree and think they should get back together <3” and that would make about as much difference as signing a petition saying you hate Obama. Last I checked, the only “petition” that matters is the one in November. Until then, you can leave your noble ideas and righteous indignation off my newsfeed.

Lastly, what is the deal with all of these religious zealots who apparently misread the bible? I’m pretty sure it says “I am the way, the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me” not “Facebook is the way, the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through reposting this bible verse.”

Seriously, if I had a dollar for every time I saw a status saying “Being a Christian is (fill in blank about imagined persecution here) 95% of people won’t repost this. Will you be one of the 5% who will?” I mean, what is that going to accomplish? Don’t you think God would be happier with you letting your words, thoughts, and actions speak for your Christianity rather than simply clicking “share” to show your devotion?

I’m sorry if this post turned a little more bitter/sarcastic than most KB Loves This posts but people are just getting ridiculous.

If you really want to make a difference in the world, go for it! Let me know how it feels to be wearing a halo because I probably won’t get there. But don’t think that changing your profile picture is making any difference. I’ll leave you now to try to hold together the pieces of your broken dreams.

KB Loves Strong Women (aka NOT Bella and Anastasia)

If you read Wednesday’s KB Thinks For You , you should know how I feel about stupid girls who don’t have a mind of their own. So instead of going on another rant about other women who I would like to forget about, I decided to make a list of some smart, strong women.

Elizabeth Bennett

Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice

I know she’s the go-to woman for feminists so I’ll be brief. Basically she waves her middle finger at the establishment and tells them she’s going to marry who she wants, when she wants and if they don’t like it, they can go screw themselves

"You seriously think I'm going to marry that wanker?"

Tess Durbeyfield

Thomas Hardy’s Tess of the d’Urbervilles

I know this might not be the best example because she spends the first part of the book allowing herself to be sexually assaulted and becoming pregnant, the second part being idealized by a man, the third wallowing in misery after said man finds out about the pregnancy, and the fourth being hung for murdering the guy that got her pregnant but she’s actually pretty strong. After Angel (second man) leaves her, she does what she’s got to do to survive… which happens to be taking up with Alec (first man). When Angel comes back, she murders Alec to get what she wants (Angel) and they live happily… until she is hung for murder. Still, she made her own choices and was in charge of her own fate

Hermione Granger

JK Rowling’s Harry Potter

Finally a strong woman from today’s literature! Unlike Bella and Anastasia, Hermione uses her brain and helps save the world from Lord Volde—I mean, He-who-shall-not-be-named. Without her, Harry would have died countless times and Ron would have died alone. She never acted stupid or apologized for her brains. And I guess for that we can excuse her for marrying a ginger.

"If you say you like Twilight one more time..."

Ayn Rand

Ayn Rand is the kind of woman you wouldn’t want to meet in a dark alley. She literally wrote the book on selfishness (The Virtue of Selfishness) and lived by her own moral code. Her philosophy definitely isn’t for everyone but we can all admire her as someone who thought her own thoughts and actually lived the philosophy she preached. While I could talk for days about her philosophy (I’d have to spend days because it’s lengthy) I’ll leave you with the quote that she believed best described it “I swear, by my life and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.”

"Yes, I'm selfish. What of it?'

And yes, I know Katniss is not on this list because I haven't read that book yet. Don't worry, when I get around to it, maybe she'll get a whole post about her own badassery.

So ladies, can we please agree to be people like this rather than people like Bella and Anastasia?

KB Loves Being Lazy

There is no new KB Loves This this week because... well because I'm lazy and didn't quite get around to it.

Luckily for you, I have two other blogs that were new this week which you should check out.

KB Thinks For You:
I go off about annoying things people do at the pool.

KB Thinks Music:
The perfect soundtrack for your day at the beach.

And of course, feel free to check out previous posts on both of the other blogs as well previous posts on this one and I'll be back next week!

As Kristen Wiig would say, "Catch you on the flip side, mother f@ckers"

KB Loves Wild Animals

This week’s KB Loves This was supposed to be about frozen food but something just happened to me that forced me to change my topic.

I was attacked by a rabid bat.

I mean, sort of.

I mean, not really but that’s what it felt like was going to happen.

And since this is the third separate wild animal that has tried to kill me this summer, I figured this was a karmic issue that I needed to address head on.

I LOVE WILD ANIMALS.

There. I said it. Now will you stop trying to kill me?

Let me rehash:

1. Barn Swallows

            I think we all remember the Barn Swallow Incident of 2012. If not, click here. The crisis, for the most part, is over but I still wake up in cold sweats thinking of those beady little eyes and razor sharp beaks.

2. Mice

            As embarrassing as this is for me to say, I am one of those terribly annoying girls that shriek at the sight of a mouse. I didn’t think I would be but I was proved wrong when a mouse found its way into the pool house (for all you Health Inspectors reading this, it has since been taken care of). Anyway, I’m sitting in the guardhouse minding my own business when a band of screaming Native Americans runs in (this isn’t racist because it was the kids from the Pierre Indian Learning Center, aka my favorite kids ever). They had chased the mouse into the guard house and Raeann and I spent the next twenty minutes standing on stools taking comically exaggerated swipes at inanimate objects with brooms in the off chance the mouse was hiding there.

3. Bats

            This was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I went to see the Pierre Players productions of “Quilts” which includes my boss and friend, Paula. Everything was going great until OUT OF NOWHERE a bat flew out from the back of the stage to RIGHT ABOVE MY HEAD. Apparently other people in Pierre are not as aware of animals as I am because everyone else sat in their seat like nothing had happened. In the meantime, I was crouched under mine starring at the ceiling while Raeann was covering her head with her sweatshirt. Needless to say, the rest of the play was lost on me as I spent the remainder of the time peeking into corners and preparing to cover my Jugular Vein and Carotid Artery from the sharp fangs of the bat.

So that’s it. Animals, you win.

I’m afraid to get into my car because I know a girl who had a snake get in through the wheel well. I won’t check under things because I know a guy who was bitten by a rattlesnake checking under his car. I’m afraid to go into my garage at night because of every television show where I’ve seen possums and raccoons sleeping in the rafters. I’m afraid to lay under a tree in case a squirrel jumps onto my face. Next thing you know I won’t be able to leave my house because a vicious roly-poly bug is blocking my door.

So this is my attempt to turn my karma around. Dear Lord, please let it work.

KB Loves Poppa Ken

In honor of Father’s Day, I’ve decided to do a KB Loves This about my father. Don’t worry, I’m not about to lapse into sickeningly sweet sentimental stories (although that’s the kind of crap my dad eats up). Instead, I’m going to tell you some of the most vivid memories I have of him: most of which involve a bad decision followed by an injury.

Note: this is not meant to suggest that my father was a bad father. If I thought that I would have done a “KB Loves Hating on LeBron” blog today instead. On the contrary, he was a good dad growing up and he’s still doing a pretty good job of parenting (he paid me to say that)

Wagon Issues

When I was little, I had a Red Flyer wagon. Remembering that when he was little you could steer the wagon while sitting in it, my father packed me into the wagon, hopped in behind, and pushed us off down a hill. It was only then that he realized wagon designs had changed since his day. Without the ability to steer, he soon realized that, due to the high sides of the wagon, he also couldn’t stop us with his feet. Luckily for us, a bump stopped us… and sent our bodies flying.

Bike Issues #1

Hard to believe but when I was little I was an even bigger baby than I am now. My father and I went on a bike ride but I was too tired to make it home. Instead of allowing me to stop and pout, my ever helpful father reached down and grabbed the center of my handlebars and began to tow me home at a fairly brisk pace. Enter a patch of gravel. As can be imagined, the grip he had on my handlebars was already tenuous at best and the gravel caused him to lose completely control... And caused me to get some pretty awesome gravel cuts.

Wheelchair Issues

While visiting Mount Vernon (George Washington’s home) as kid, my family rented a wheelchair to help my grandma get around. When my grandma decided not to use the wheelchair for a bit, my father decided it would be fun to push me in it. As the name suggests, Mount Vernon is rather hilly. As the previous stories suggest, my father once again lost control of the wheelchair. While neither of us was injured, a good number of tourists still remember that trip as the time they had to jump out of the way of a 5-year-old with a bowl cut in a wheelchair being chased by a balding man with a mustache.

 Hey, I never claimed we were photogenic. Plus, we were in a cave so... f off

Bike Issues #2

My father and I used to have one weekend every summer where we would go camping or rock climbing or caving or bike riding or some other outdoor excursion. One summer, we got it in our head that we would ride the 110 mile Mickelson Trail in two days on a tandem bike. First of all, if you ever think it is a good idea to ride that many miles on a bike, think again. My butt has never been that sore. Anyway, midafternoon on the second day of our ride, we made it to the end of the trail in Edgemont, SD. Due to the aforementioned soreness of my ass, I was standing on the back of the tandem in eager anticipation of the moment I could get off that mother f-ing bike. My father, in a display of joy apparently brought on by his delirium, decided that would be the perfect moment to slam on the brakes and yell “We’re done!” You know what else was done? My hips. And my calves. And my father’s belief in my innocence.

What had happened was at the apprupt stop, my precariously perched body flung forward nailing my hips against the handle bars while my feet slid off pedals which continued to go around until they made contact with the back of my calves reducing them to something which vaguely resembled pulled pork. In anger and pain, I turned to my father and yelled “What the F@CK did you do that for?”

Like I said earlier though, these stories aren’t meant to make my dad seem like a bad dad. In fact, he’s pretty awesome. I would insert a number of heartwarming stories about us bonding but, let’s face it, that’s not the kind of stuff you want to hear.

Does your dad do this? (Silence) That's what I thought.

Happy Father’s Day to everyone (especially Poppa Ken)

KB Loves Wal-Mart

To all my East coast friends: don’t judge.

To all my Midwest friends: you know what’s up.

Wal-Mart is heaven on earth.

Since I’ve been home, I’ve been to Wal-Mart about 15 times… and once I went three times in one day.

It’s not an addiction, it’s a lifestyle choice.

Seriously, where else can I get everything from gum to guns to gardening equipment? From bedding to baby clothes to beer? From fish to first aid stuff to furniture? From televisions to toys to Theraflu?

It literally has everything you could possibly want (minus dignity, which you immediately lose when you walk in the door)

Perhaps what I love the most about Wal-Mart, however, are the many different people you see there.

For instance, on one of the days I was there multiple times, I saw the same family twice, about 3 hours apart… and each time they had a cart full of things. Oh and the little boys both had pasty skin, mohawks, and neck cords to hold on their glasses.

Just the other day I was at Wal-Mart at about 5 PM when I passed a couple in the produce section. As I walked by, I almost passed out from the alcohol fumes wafting off of them. Getting drunk in the afternoon then shopping for tomatoes at Wal-Mart is normal, right?

Other times I’ve seen three little boys and their Grandma. None of the three boys were wearing shoes and two of them did not even have on shirts.

(Going barefoot in Wal-Mart is not unheard of, however. I know for a fact that a certain someone who shall remain nameless (*cough* Raeann *cough*) went into Wal-Mart barefoot just a few summers ago)

Don’t believe me that you can meet awesome people there? Well check out peopleofwalmart.com for more proof.

And now, quit reading my blog and go to Wal-Mart to browse their $5 DVD bin.