Still Here in Pierre

Well, well, well. Much to no one’s surprise, Katie’s plan to go back to Buffalo on Wednesday did not pan out. She says it’s because her car is still in the shop but I don't believe her. As usual, our prolonged stay is a result of her laziness, her lack of motivation, lack of follow-throw, and general worthlessness.

She claims that she will be leaving this weekend since her car should be good to go.

50 bucks says in my next week’s post, she’s still here in Pierre.

I have to say, this last week, Katie surpassed even her standards of laziness. She rarely left her house and I’m convinced her muscles are starting to atrophy as her skin becomes grafted to her chair.

To be fair, she hasn’t had a vehicle for over a week so she really couldn’t get around town too well. For a while I thought she could just run and/or bike wherever she needed to go but it turns out she is as out of shape as the mom on Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. Seriously, she was running low on food and decided to ride her bike down to Dakotamart to pick up some delicious, nutritious frozen diners (nothing says “I’m taking care of myself” quite like Hot Pockets).

For those of you unaware, Dakotamart is about half a mile from her house. On the way back, I thought she was going to have to stop and walk her bike up the “hill” because she was breathing so hard. When she got home she actually went and layed in the shade because she thought she was going to pass out. I don’t know if that was because she is embarrassingly out of shape, her body was starting to go into multi-system organ failure from eating overly processed foods, or this is what happens when 90% of your daily calorie intake comes from Mountain Dew.

Whatever the cause, I laughed so hard I coughed up a hairball (onto Katie’s pillow, obviously)

While she was home, however, we did get a chance to catch up with some of Katie’s acquaintances (I call them “acquaintances” because I refuse to believe someone would actually be friends with her).

I had the misfortune of seeing Raeann again. I don’t know if you all remember her but she was the person unpleasant enough to do random workouts while watching television. When I saw her this week, she got pissy that we were eating at a restaurant that uses grease as a main ingredient. I tried to rip through her Achilles with my claws but was hindered by my stationary limbs. And I slipped on some grease.

I also got to meet Katie’s friend Tova and her two daughters. I’m still on the fence about Tova. She seemed pretty cool but she is friends with Katie and has devoted her life to teaching the youth of America. YUCK. That’s two strikes.

Tova’s youngest daughter, Emry, showered me with attention, which I LOVED but she also buckled me into the vehicle. She made it seem like it was because she cared about me but if she really cared, she would have just let me DIE. Also, Emry seems to like Katie, which is not good. She then tried to force me to be friends with a little yellow Japanese creature called a “Pikachu.” Let’s just say this friendship did not last.

Pikachu is dead. Also, I would like to comment how jealous I am that Emry (the limbs you can see) is still THIS tan in September

Tova’s other daughter, Mariah, is the only person I’ve ever met who I actually like! This is mainly because she’s is brutally mean to Katie. Katie jokes with Mariah that she cries when she goes home because Mariah is so mean. It’s not really a joke though; it’s the truth. (I’d like to send a virtual high-five to Mariah) I wish I could bottle Katie’s tears and keep them to remember her sorrow forever.

Katie also went to watch one of her “favorite people EVER” play volleyball, Rachel Hartmann. Katie jokes with her and calls her “Lenny” as in Lenny and George from Of Mice and Men. Not only is it incredibly offensive, but it's not even funny. It has something to do with Rachel’s inability to know her own strength. Whatever. Katie can laugh all she wants but when Rachel punches her in the arm and dislocates her shoulder, Rachel and I will laugh all the way to Katie’s funeral.

I got a little excited when Raeann introduced me to Rachel that I accidentally bruised her jaw. My bad 

Finally, Katie went to Trouble With the Curve with her friend, Paula. Katie didn’t really want to see this movie because it contains the skeletal face of Clint Eastwood, the non-existent acting abilities of Justin Timberlake, and the most boring sport ever but Paula bribed her with a free ticket and a Mountain Dew. Can we all just admit that Katie has a serious Mountain Dew addiction? She needs rehab or something. Personally, I couldn’t care less whether she lived or died (yes I could: I want her to die) but her so-called “friends” should really plan an intervention or something.

Hopefully by this time next week I will be somewhere other than Pierre but we all know Katie and know how unlikely her getting off her ass will be. Until then, I’m Ivan Denisovich. God bless.