My Worst Week Yet

Hi. It’s Ivan.

You’ll have to forgive me for being so terse this week.

I’ve been completely catatonic this week (pun intended).

I had multiple chances to escape. And I blew it. I blew it and now I’m stuck staring and an endless future of Katie Buhler. Nothing but Katie Buhler.

Oh that the earth would swallow me whole.

As painful as this story will be to relieve, I must recount it.

Friday afternoon, Katie and I drove to Rapid City for a Bob Dylan concert. Never one to squander an opportunity, I tried leaping to my death from a moving vehicle.

I was thisclose. If only I was a millimeter more slender.

The Dylan concert was the worst experience of my life. Old, drunk hippies everywhere. All dancing in time to the head hippie, Bob Dylan, who seemed to find it inconvenient to actually sing the lyrics. Instead he mumbled along with an occasional blast on the harmonica.

Katie claims to have liked it a lot but we all know how pretentious she is. God, I hate her. If I hadn’t been declawed, I would “accidentally” slip on her jugular. Or gouge out her eyes at the very least.

We then spent the whole night driving across the state. Literally, we drove from 10:30 PM to 4:30 AM from Rapid City to Sioux Falls. If you’re wondering why I didn’t simply sleep as Katie drove, I’d be more than happy to tell you.

Katie made a playlist of the worst songs I’ve ever heard and proceeded to sing them as loud as she could for the whole trip presumably so she wouldn’t fall asleep. I’m personally convinced that she genuinely thinks she is a good singer and is practicing for Idol tryouts. Maybe I’ll get lucky and she can embarrass herself on national television!

Once in Sioux Falls, we slept for an hour and a half before heading to Iowa with literally the only person I think I hate more than Katie; Raeann. I know last week I said I liked her but that’s before I saw her doing push ups and sit ups while watching Storage Wars.

Anyway, we headed to Ames, IA where we met up with a man weirdly called “Meintsma.” I’m currently running his name through all criminal databases including a list of registered sex-offenders. So far I have no matches but I’ll let you know if I find anything.

From there we went to Des Moines where I discovered the root cause of America’s obesity: a burger place called Zombie Burger where you can get a burger topped with Mac’n’Cheese served on a bun of fried Mac’n’Cheese.

We then when to the Iowa State fair which is basically a huge stock show with a butter sculpture or two thrown in for class. The only thing more extensive than the livestock collection was the collection of bad hair cuts and inbreeding. For all I know, the fair was just a large family reunion.

I did get to hear some pretty decent music though. The concert started with Loverboy which is an 80’s band who’s only claim to fame is writing the song “Working for the Weekend.” From what I understand, it is absolutely mandatory that every single radio station ever must play this song at least once every Friday.

After that though, things really picked up. I got to see Pat Benatar who Katie loves. This obviously means I went in to the concert ready to hate her. Unfortunately, she rocked my socks off. I hate happiness.

We then saw Journey.

Well, we saw what was left of Journey. The band now basically consists of a 20 year old Filipino who can best be described as metrosexual and a guitar player who feels it necessary to include a 20 minute solo in the middle of every song. Needless to say, I stopped believing.

Katie and I didn’t get back to Pierre until Monday at noon after over 1,300 miles driven in 4 days.

Can you imagine being stuck in the car with HER for that long???

I’m still recovering from that Hell of a trip and haven’t had time to plan anymore escape attempts.

But I haven’t given up hope yet and you shouldn’t either. Until next time, I’m Ivan Denisovich. God bless.