New Beginnings

Some of you may have noticed that Katie did not post either “KB Thinks Music” or “KB Thinks for You” this week. She claims she was “too busy” and “completely forgot.” But she wasn’t “too busy” to force me to write this. She didn’t “forget” to post it. I’m so angry I could use her new iPhone as a scratching post.

Last weekend we all went to Rapid City (my third week in a row doing so) for Katie’s grandma’s 90 something-th birthday.

Katie’s parents bought a candy bouquet to mark the occasion. I once heard that chocolate can kill household pets so I set out to eat it all and thus end my time with Katie. Unfortunately, chocolate only seems to kill dogs. The only result of my binge eating was a terrible sugar high during which I scratched the shit out of Katie’s face and the ensuing crash during which I slept for 16 uninterrupted hours.

Oh, and I ate all the candy out of an old lady’s birthday bouquet. So I’m not a saint; sue me.

We came back to Pierre and on Monday, Katie had the brilliant idea of taking her mangy disgusting dog, Gracie, swimming. This is the kind of special treatment that Katie gives Gracie while I’m shoved into her backpack.

So, the three of us went to a beach for the dog to swim. In the meantime, I was forced to sit on a rock in the sun. Guess what SPF Katie put on me? 0 SPF. That’s right, she was like “screw you, Ivan. Have fun with a blistering sunburn.” I always knew she was jealous of my delicate smooth skin.

 Gracie gives new meaning to the "hounds of hell"

I had some fun on the way home though when our car got stuck behind a line of farm equipment going 25 on a highway. I didn’t know Katie’s face could get that red or that the vein on her neck would stick out quite so much when she screamed. Let me just tell you, the words she used were shocking.

Tuesday we went to a high school volleyball game. Do you know what I hate more than Katie? Nothing. But high school girls and volleyball are both pretty high on the list.

 Talk about "Arian Nation"...

Katie basically spent the rest of the week in a stupor. Instead of packing, she decided to dedicate her time to re-watching the Harry Potter series. At first I was excited because I assumed they were movies about a hairy cat named “Potter.” Instead it’s like 15 hours of “friendship” (bleh) “bravery” (yuck) and the battle between good and evil (yawn).

Oh, and there’s magic.

Anyway, I wasn’t too impressed with the movies. First of all, you can’t honestly expect me to believe that that Emma Watson girl is going to end up with a gorilla looking ginger with a bowl cut. If Emma Watson is reading this: you are the cat’s meow and when you get sick of that Weasel kid, I’d love to sit down with you over a dish of Fancy Feast and discuss foreign policy and our responsibility in the developing world. Clothing optional.

Join me, won't you? 

Editor’s note: I do not endorse Ivan’s views regarding either Miss Watson or Mr Grint and would like to apologize to both parties, especially Miss Watson for this blatant sexual harassment. –KB

Other than that though, I really haven’t done much this week. Katie has been sleeping in later and later which makes me think that soon she will just sleep permanently (“sleep permanently"= death). Even better she seems to be disoriented about dates and times. I heard her ask her mother what day it was yesterday and the other day she had the following conversation with Raeann:

Anyway, I should wrap this up. I have a lot of packing to do. This weekend Satan and I will be moving to Buffalo!!! I’m excited to see the Great Lakes and the home of buffalo wings! I’m also hopeful that I can slip across Lake Erie into Canada where I will seek asylum from Katie and her devilish ways! I really couldn’t be happier! Purrrr

Editor’s note: Ivan and I are NOT moving to Buffalo, NY. We are moving to Buffalo, SD aka Middle of Nowhere, USA. I really hope this move will bring Ivan and I closer. He has never seemed to warm up to me.—KB

By this time next week I could very well be a Canadian citizen! Drinking maple syrup, playing with maple leaves, watching hockey and saying ridiculously folksy things like “eh” and “aboot.” Hopefully this will be the last time I speak to you and may Katie die a slow and painful death. I’m Ivan Denisovich. God bless.