Week 1- Introductions

Call me Ishmael. Actually, don’t. Call me Ivan Denisovich.

Instead of Katie continuing on with KB Loves This, she is forcing me, Ivan Denisovich, to write a weekly blog about my wanderings.

 Don't make fun of my eyes, it's a genetic condition

If you think my name is ridiculous, you’re not alone. Unfortunately, I had no choice because Katie thought it was funny.

Ivan Denisovich is, of course, taken from Alexander Solzhenitsyn’s Russian novel called A Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich. It’s a short novel about a man’s fight for survival in a Russian gulag. I’m sure Katie just picked it as my name because it would show people how well read she is. I, however, have it on good authority that the book took her forever to get through and she didn’t even like it.

Anyway, the name is more fitting than she could have ever realized. While the fictional Ivan Denisovich was stuck in a Russian gulag, I am stuck somewhere so much worse: with Katie Buhler.

There I was, minding my business on a shelf in Keystone, SD with many other cats when Katie walked through my store. She and her friends decided it would be cute to each get a cat because apparently girls think matching things like that is cool. Yuck. Next thing I know, I’m wrapped up in a plastic bag and thrown unceremoniously into a car. Correct me if I’m wrong but I think that’s called being abducted.

Katie left me in that bag for about three days before she remembered I was there. When I saw this was to be my fate, I decided to act as the Japanese do and honor kill myself. Unfortunately, with my lack of opposable thumbs—or any functional limbs for that matter—it took too long to get the lid off the painkillers and Katie caught me in the act.

My thwarted attempt

I can only assume she is forcing me to write this blog as a form of punishment. No one could be stupid enough write a blog in earnest. Anyway, I’ve resigned myself to my fate and can only envy the fictional Ivan Denisovich for his easy life.

Do you know how hard it is to write without fingers?

Now that’ I’ve given you an introduction—and some not so subtle hints that I want to be taken away from this place (ARE YOU LISTENING ASPCA?)—I’ll give you the weekly low down.

Katie forced me to watch Twilight with her and Raeann. While Katie was rolling her eyes in disdain (although I’m pretty sure she actually likes it—I saw her looking at Twilight posters on eBay this morning), I tried to sneak into Raeann’s purse to escape. No such luck.

 This is what I think of Twilight

Katie then sent packages to her roommates. I don’t know who they are but they have to be better than this. I tried to sneak into one of the boxes but again, my attempts were thwarted by Satan (a cute nickname I gave Katie).

On the way to the post office to ship the boxes, I tried to distract Katie hoping we would get in an accident. The cruel Lord simply laughed at my misery.

A distracted driver is a dangerous driver

She then decided to take me to work with her. At a pool. I’M A CAT. I HATE WATER. I tried to drown myself. She saved me because apparently that’s her “job” (note to self: look up “lifeguard duties” when I have time). To relieve my frustration, I peed on her whistle.

Katie just informed me that this weekend we are going out of town. This should provide ample escape opportunities. First up, a Bob Dylan concert. Those old hippies will probably be so stoned I can escape without much work. If that fails, I can escape the next day at the Iowa State Fair. From what I understand, it’s basically a gathering of obese people eating fried foods. There should be some good sized fat rolls I can crawl up into.

Wish me luck. Until next time (although, if all goes according to plan, there won’t be a next time), I’m Ivan Denisovich. God bless.