Hell Goes On

2 weeks. It’s been 2 weeks since I last spoke to you but I am still no closer to escaping. What’s worse is, Katie is making repeated attempts to buy my affection.

First, she attempted to bribe me with bite-sized owls.

That’s not really what they’re called. They’re actually Saw-whets but they are tiny and cute and the perfect size for a meal. The last two weekends, Katie has gone with her uncle to help band these owls for the purposes of looking at their migratory habits, ages, and sizes. Basically they set up giant nets around a repeating bird call and check the nets every 30 minutes for owls. When they find one, they band its leg, measure its wingspan, tail length, fat content, and weight, and then let it fly off into the night.

The lady in charge even let Katie release two of the owls off her arm. Imagine my anger when I see a tiny little owl that would perfectly fill my stomach just sitting there on Satan’s arm looking around before flying away, untouched and uneaten. And of course Katie thought it was awesome. Pretending like she was in Harry Potter and shit.

This isn't actually owl Katie released but it gives you an idea of it's size

Later on in the week, she went down to Spearfish and decided to stop at the fish hatchery because she literally has nothing better to do with her time. So she took me to the fish hatchery where I could see tons and tons of fish and even smell them in the air… but couldn’t eat a single one. That’s like if you took a starving African to an all-you-can-eat buffet but just let them smell it. What a bitch.

The sign on the boat says "Please Stay Off." As you can see, I'm on the bow. F@ck the Police.

In fact, Katie seems to be all about animals now. Since we got up here, she's seen Saw-whet Owls, foxes, a porcupine, a long-eared owl, coyotes, a bat, wild turkeys, and obviously deer, antelope, horses, and cows. Yet with all of this animal activity, she still hasn't been trampled or bitten or eaten. What kind of crap is this?

Aside from that, Katie has continued her pattern of doing absolutely nothing with her life. She either lounges around the house all day doing nothing with her life or drives to the Slim Buttes or Cave Hills and THEN does nothing with her life.

 These two are both in the North Cave Hills

One of the so-called "Castles" in the Slim Buttes

This is the type of road Katie thinks it's ok to take her 15 year old car on...

My only consolation is that something in the air up here does not agree with her. I’ve heard her sneeze probably 1500 times and she’s already gone through 3 boxes of Kleenex. Her eyes are so bloodshot that she constantly looks like she’s high (which maybe she is. She does seem the type). I know I shouldn’t take pleasure in other’s misfortunes but I think I can make an exception in Katie’s case. I hope her allergies continue like this forever!

Really the only other thing to add is that I am currently back in Pierre with the Princess of Darkness. Her parents made a run up to Glacier National Park for what I can only assume is their 50^th anniversary (seriously, they are OLD) and Katie came back to Pierre to house-sit and take care of that nasty old dog, Gracie. It sucks pretty much the same amount as being in Buffalo with her so I really don’t have anything new to complain about.

Except for how we almost died on the way to Pierre. Everything was going swimmingly on the drive back until 20 miles out of town Katie’s check engine light came on. Because she is an ignorant entitled slut, she didn’t know what to do and called her dad who told her to let the engine cool off a bit before taking it really slowly into town. I have never laughed so hard as I watched Katie white-knuckle it into Pierre going at least 15 miles an hour under the speed limit. I later over-heard her telling her father that she was afraid the engine was going to explode. Yet another missed opportunity.

Well, with any luck, I’ll get swallowed by Gracie killing both her and I in the process but if not, I’ll talk to you next week. I’m Ivan Denisovich. God bless.