Still Here in Pierre

Well, well, well. Much to no one’s surprise, Katie’s plan to go back to Buffalo on Wednesday did not pan out. She says it’s because her car is still in the shop but I don't believe her. As usual, our prolonged stay is a result of her laziness, her lack of motivation, lack of follow-throw, and general worthlessness.

She claims that she will be leaving this weekend since her car should be good to go.

50 bucks says in my next week’s post, she’s still here in Pierre.

I have to say, this last week, Katie surpassed even her standards of laziness. She rarely left her house and I’m convinced her muscles are starting to atrophy as her skin becomes grafted to her chair.

To be fair, she hasn’t had a vehicle for over a week so she really couldn’t get around town too well. For a while I thought she could just run and/or bike wherever she needed to go but it turns out she is as out of shape as the mom on Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. Seriously, she was running low on food and decided to ride her bike down to Dakotamart to pick up some delicious, nutritious frozen diners (nothing says “I’m taking care of myself” quite like Hot Pockets).

For those of you unaware, Dakotamart is about half a mile from her house. On the way back, I thought she was going to have to stop and walk her bike up the “hill” because she was breathing so hard. When she got home she actually went and layed in the shade because she thought she was going to pass out. I don’t know if that was because she is embarrassingly out of shape, her body was starting to go into multi-system organ failure from eating overly processed foods, or this is what happens when 90% of your daily calorie intake comes from Mountain Dew.

Whatever the cause, I laughed so hard I coughed up a hairball (onto Katie’s pillow, obviously)

While she was home, however, we did get a chance to catch up with some of Katie’s acquaintances (I call them “acquaintances” because I refuse to believe someone would actually be friends with her).

I had the misfortune of seeing Raeann again. I don’t know if you all remember her but she was the person unpleasant enough to do random workouts while watching television. When I saw her this week, she got pissy that we were eating at a restaurant that uses grease as a main ingredient. I tried to rip through her Achilles with my claws but was hindered by my stationary limbs. And I slipped on some grease.

I also got to meet Katie’s friend Tova and her two daughters. I’m still on the fence about Tova. She seemed pretty cool but she is friends with Katie and has devoted her life to teaching the youth of America. YUCK. That’s two strikes.

Tova’s youngest daughter, Emry, showered me with attention, which I LOVED but she also buckled me into the vehicle. She made it seem like it was because she cared about me but if she really cared, she would have just let me DIE. Also, Emry seems to like Katie, which is not good. She then tried to force me to be friends with a little yellow Japanese creature called a “Pikachu.” Let’s just say this friendship did not last.

Pikachu is dead. Also, I would like to comment how jealous I am that Emry (the limbs you can see) is still THIS tan in September

Tova’s other daughter, Mariah, is the only person I’ve ever met who I actually like! This is mainly because she’s is brutally mean to Katie. Katie jokes with Mariah that she cries when she goes home because Mariah is so mean. It’s not really a joke though; it’s the truth. (I’d like to send a virtual high-five to Mariah) I wish I could bottle Katie’s tears and keep them to remember her sorrow forever.

Katie also went to watch one of her “favorite people EVER” play volleyball, Rachel Hartmann. Katie jokes with her and calls her “Lenny” as in Lenny and George from Of Mice and Men. Not only is it incredibly offensive, but it's not even funny. It has something to do with Rachel’s inability to know her own strength. Whatever. Katie can laugh all she wants but when Rachel punches her in the arm and dislocates her shoulder, Rachel and I will laugh all the way to Katie’s funeral.

I got a little excited when Raeann introduced me to Rachel that I accidentally bruised her jaw. My bad 

Finally, Katie went to Trouble With the Curve with her friend, Paula. Katie didn’t really want to see this movie because it contains the skeletal face of Clint Eastwood, the non-existent acting abilities of Justin Timberlake, and the most boring sport ever but Paula bribed her with a free ticket and a Mountain Dew. Can we all just admit that Katie has a serious Mountain Dew addiction? She needs rehab or something. Personally, I couldn’t care less whether she lived or died (yes I could: I want her to die) but her so-called “friends” should really plan an intervention or something.

Hopefully by this time next week I will be somewhere other than Pierre but we all know Katie and know how unlikely her getting off her ass will be. Until then, I’m Ivan Denisovich. God bless.

Hell Goes On

2 weeks. It’s been 2 weeks since I last spoke to you but I am still no closer to escaping. What’s worse is, Katie is making repeated attempts to buy my affection.

First, she attempted to bribe me with bite-sized owls.

That’s not really what they’re called. They’re actually Saw-whets but they are tiny and cute and the perfect size for a meal. The last two weekends, Katie has gone with her uncle to help band these owls for the purposes of looking at their migratory habits, ages, and sizes. Basically they set up giant nets around a repeating bird call and check the nets every 30 minutes for owls. When they find one, they band its leg, measure its wingspan, tail length, fat content, and weight, and then let it fly off into the night.

The lady in charge even let Katie release two of the owls off her arm. Imagine my anger when I see a tiny little owl that would perfectly fill my stomach just sitting there on Satan’s arm looking around before flying away, untouched and uneaten. And of course Katie thought it was awesome. Pretending like she was in Harry Potter and shit.

This isn't actually owl Katie released but it gives you an idea of it's size

Later on in the week, she went down to Spearfish and decided to stop at the fish hatchery because she literally has nothing better to do with her time. So she took me to the fish hatchery where I could see tons and tons of fish and even smell them in the air… but couldn’t eat a single one. That’s like if you took a starving African to an all-you-can-eat buffet but just let them smell it. What a bitch.

The sign on the boat says "Please Stay Off." As you can see, I'm on the bow. F@ck the Police.

In fact, Katie seems to be all about animals now. Since we got up here, she's seen Saw-whet Owls, foxes, a porcupine, a long-eared owl, coyotes, a bat, wild turkeys, and obviously deer, antelope, horses, and cows. Yet with all of this animal activity, she still hasn't been trampled or bitten or eaten. What kind of crap is this?

Aside from that, Katie has continued her pattern of doing absolutely nothing with her life. She either lounges around the house all day doing nothing with her life or drives to the Slim Buttes or Cave Hills and THEN does nothing with her life.

 These two are both in the North Cave Hills

One of the so-called "Castles" in the Slim Buttes

This is the type of road Katie thinks it's ok to take her 15 year old car on...

My only consolation is that something in the air up here does not agree with her. I’ve heard her sneeze probably 1500 times and she’s already gone through 3 boxes of Kleenex. Her eyes are so bloodshot that she constantly looks like she’s high (which maybe she is. She does seem the type). I know I shouldn’t take pleasure in other’s misfortunes but I think I can make an exception in Katie’s case. I hope her allergies continue like this forever!

Really the only other thing to add is that I am currently back in Pierre with the Princess of Darkness. Her parents made a run up to Glacier National Park for what I can only assume is their 50^th anniversary (seriously, they are OLD) and Katie came back to Pierre to house-sit and take care of that nasty old dog, Gracie. It sucks pretty much the same amount as being in Buffalo with her so I really don’t have anything new to complain about.

Except for how we almost died on the way to Pierre. Everything was going swimmingly on the drive back until 20 miles out of town Katie’s check engine light came on. Because she is an ignorant entitled slut, she didn’t know what to do and called her dad who told her to let the engine cool off a bit before taking it really slowly into town. I have never laughed so hard as I watched Katie white-knuckle it into Pierre going at least 15 miles an hour under the speed limit. I later over-heard her telling her father that she was afraid the engine was going to explode. Yet another missed opportunity.

Well, with any luck, I’ll get swallowed by Gracie killing both her and I in the process but if not, I’ll talk to you next week. I’m Ivan Denisovich. God bless.

Welcome to Buffalo

MOTHER OF GOD.

Why didn’t any of you mother f@ckers tell me Satan was moving to BUFFALO, SOUTH DAKOTA not Buffalo, New York?

The only thing worse than being forced to share my life with Katie is being basically isolated in Buffalo with her.

Yep. That little blot on the horizon is my new home.

I don’t know what the hell she is playing at. She is basically one of those entitled white kids who go off to “find themselves” which basically means they smoke a lot of pot and go weeks without showering. So far there is no evidence of marijuana but I’m on the look out.

Katie and I really haven’t done much since we got here. Not surprised. She is lazy and unmotivated. One thing she has done is watched the Democratic Convention stuff on TV and (as usual) pretends like she knows what’s going on. Seriously, just ask her about the differences between Romney’s deficit plan and Obama’s. Guaranteed she’ll spit out some comments she saw on Twitter and then change the subject.

One thing we have done since we got here is doing some hiking. It’s like Katie thinks she’s Thoreau or something. So pretentious. You always hear stories about people getting lost in the woods and eaten by a mountain lion or getting trapped under a boulder (a la 127 Hours) so I’m hopeful that something happens to Katie soon.

 She forced me to take this humiliating picture in the Slim Buttes. Didn't even shoot my good side.

 Do you know how hard it is to climb a cliff without moving limbs?

With all the barbed wire around here, I have hopes that Katie will succumb to Tetanus 

It looks like I’m going to be stuck here for a while so, until next week, I’m Ivan Denisovich. God bless.