New Beginnings

Some of you may have noticed that Katie did not post either “KB Thinks Music” or “KB Thinks for You” this week. She claims she was “too busy” and “completely forgot.” But she wasn’t “too busy” to force me to write this. She didn’t “forget” to post it. I’m so angry I could use her new iPhone as a scratching post.

Last weekend we all went to Rapid City (my third week in a row doing so) for Katie’s grandma’s 90 something-th birthday.

Katie’s parents bought a candy bouquet to mark the occasion. I once heard that chocolate can kill household pets so I set out to eat it all and thus end my time with Katie. Unfortunately, chocolate only seems to kill dogs. The only result of my binge eating was a terrible sugar high during which I scratched the shit out of Katie’s face and the ensuing crash during which I slept for 16 uninterrupted hours.

Oh, and I ate all the candy out of an old lady’s birthday bouquet. So I’m not a saint; sue me.

We came back to Pierre and on Monday, Katie had the brilliant idea of taking her mangy disgusting dog, Gracie, swimming. This is the kind of special treatment that Katie gives Gracie while I’m shoved into her backpack.

So, the three of us went to a beach for the dog to swim. In the meantime, I was forced to sit on a rock in the sun. Guess what SPF Katie put on me? 0 SPF. That’s right, she was like “screw you, Ivan. Have fun with a blistering sunburn.” I always knew she was jealous of my delicate smooth skin.

 Gracie gives new meaning to the "hounds of hell"

I had some fun on the way home though when our car got stuck behind a line of farm equipment going 25 on a highway. I didn’t know Katie’s face could get that red or that the vein on her neck would stick out quite so much when she screamed. Let me just tell you, the words she used were shocking.

Tuesday we went to a high school volleyball game. Do you know what I hate more than Katie? Nothing. But high school girls and volleyball are both pretty high on the list.

 Talk about "Arian Nation"...

Katie basically spent the rest of the week in a stupor. Instead of packing, she decided to dedicate her time to re-watching the Harry Potter series. At first I was excited because I assumed they were movies about a hairy cat named “Potter.” Instead it’s like 15 hours of “friendship” (bleh) “bravery” (yuck) and the battle between good and evil (yawn).

Oh, and there’s magic.

Anyway, I wasn’t too impressed with the movies. First of all, you can’t honestly expect me to believe that that Emma Watson girl is going to end up with a gorilla looking ginger with a bowl cut. If Emma Watson is reading this: you are the cat’s meow and when you get sick of that Weasel kid, I’d love to sit down with you over a dish of Fancy Feast and discuss foreign policy and our responsibility in the developing world. Clothing optional.

Join me, won't you? 

Editor’s note: I do not endorse Ivan’s views regarding either Miss Watson or Mr Grint and would like to apologize to both parties, especially Miss Watson for this blatant sexual harassment. –KB

Other than that though, I really haven’t done much this week. Katie has been sleeping in later and later which makes me think that soon she will just sleep permanently (“sleep permanently"= death). Even better she seems to be disoriented about dates and times. I heard her ask her mother what day it was yesterday and the other day she had the following conversation with Raeann:

Anyway, I should wrap this up. I have a lot of packing to do. This weekend Satan and I will be moving to Buffalo!!! I’m excited to see the Great Lakes and the home of buffalo wings! I’m also hopeful that I can slip across Lake Erie into Canada where I will seek asylum from Katie and her devilish ways! I really couldn’t be happier! Purrrr

Editor’s note: Ivan and I are NOT moving to Buffalo, NY. We are moving to Buffalo, SD aka Middle of Nowhere, USA. I really hope this move will bring Ivan and I closer. He has never seemed to warm up to me.—KB

By this time next week I could very well be a Canadian citizen! Drinking maple syrup, playing with maple leaves, watching hockey and saying ridiculously folksy things like “eh” and “aboot.” Hopefully this will be the last time I speak to you and may Katie die a slow and painful death. I’m Ivan Denisovich. God bless.

My Worst Week Yet

Hi. It’s Ivan.

You’ll have to forgive me for being so terse this week.

I’ve been completely catatonic this week (pun intended).

I had multiple chances to escape. And I blew it. I blew it and now I’m stuck staring and an endless future of Katie Buhler. Nothing but Katie Buhler.

Oh that the earth would swallow me whole.

As painful as this story will be to relieve, I must recount it.

Friday afternoon, Katie and I drove to Rapid City for a Bob Dylan concert. Never one to squander an opportunity, I tried leaping to my death from a moving vehicle.

I was thisclose. If only I was a millimeter more slender.

The Dylan concert was the worst experience of my life. Old, drunk hippies everywhere. All dancing in time to the head hippie, Bob Dylan, who seemed to find it inconvenient to actually sing the lyrics. Instead he mumbled along with an occasional blast on the harmonica.

Katie claims to have liked it a lot but we all know how pretentious she is. God, I hate her. If I hadn’t been declawed, I would “accidentally” slip on her jugular. Or gouge out her eyes at the very least.

We then spent the whole night driving across the state. Literally, we drove from 10:30 PM to 4:30 AM from Rapid City to Sioux Falls. If you’re wondering why I didn’t simply sleep as Katie drove, I’d be more than happy to tell you.

Katie made a playlist of the worst songs I’ve ever heard and proceeded to sing them as loud as she could for the whole trip presumably so she wouldn’t fall asleep. I’m personally convinced that she genuinely thinks she is a good singer and is practicing for Idol tryouts. Maybe I’ll get lucky and she can embarrass herself on national television!

Once in Sioux Falls, we slept for an hour and a half before heading to Iowa with literally the only person I think I hate more than Katie; Raeann. I know last week I said I liked her but that’s before I saw her doing push ups and sit ups while watching Storage Wars.

Anyway, we headed to Ames, IA where we met up with a man weirdly called “Meintsma.” I’m currently running his name through all criminal databases including a list of registered sex-offenders. So far I have no matches but I’ll let you know if I find anything.

From there we went to Des Moines where I discovered the root cause of America’s obesity: a burger place called Zombie Burger where you can get a burger topped with Mac’n’Cheese served on a bun of fried Mac’n’Cheese.

We then when to the Iowa State fair which is basically a huge stock show with a butter sculpture or two thrown in for class. The only thing more extensive than the livestock collection was the collection of bad hair cuts and inbreeding. For all I know, the fair was just a large family reunion.

I did get to hear some pretty decent music though. The concert started with Loverboy which is an 80’s band who’s only claim to fame is writing the song “Working for the Weekend.” From what I understand, it is absolutely mandatory that every single radio station ever must play this song at least once every Friday.

After that though, things really picked up. I got to see Pat Benatar who Katie loves. This obviously means I went in to the concert ready to hate her. Unfortunately, she rocked my socks off. I hate happiness.

We then saw Journey.

Well, we saw what was left of Journey. The band now basically consists of a 20 year old Filipino who can best be described as metrosexual and a guitar player who feels it necessary to include a 20 minute solo in the middle of every song. Needless to say, I stopped believing.

Katie and I didn’t get back to Pierre until Monday at noon after over 1,300 miles driven in 4 days.

Can you imagine being stuck in the car with HER for that long???

I’m still recovering from that Hell of a trip and haven’t had time to plan anymore escape attempts.

But I haven’t given up hope yet and you shouldn’t either. Until next time, I’m Ivan Denisovich. God bless.

Week 1- Introductions

Call me Ishmael. Actually, don’t. Call me Ivan Denisovich.

Instead of Katie continuing on with KB Loves This, she is forcing me, Ivan Denisovich, to write a weekly blog about my wanderings.

 Don't make fun of my eyes, it's a genetic condition

If you think my name is ridiculous, you’re not alone. Unfortunately, I had no choice because Katie thought it was funny.

Ivan Denisovich is, of course, taken from Alexander Solzhenitsyn’s Russian novel called A Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich. It’s a short novel about a man’s fight for survival in a Russian gulag. I’m sure Katie just picked it as my name because it would show people how well read she is. I, however, have it on good authority that the book took her forever to get through and she didn’t even like it.

Anyway, the name is more fitting than she could have ever realized. While the fictional Ivan Denisovich was stuck in a Russian gulag, I am stuck somewhere so much worse: with Katie Buhler.

There I was, minding my business on a shelf in Keystone, SD with many other cats when Katie walked through my store. She and her friends decided it would be cute to each get a cat because apparently girls think matching things like that is cool. Yuck. Next thing I know, I’m wrapped up in a plastic bag and thrown unceremoniously into a car. Correct me if I’m wrong but I think that’s called being abducted.

Katie left me in that bag for about three days before she remembered I was there. When I saw this was to be my fate, I decided to act as the Japanese do and honor kill myself. Unfortunately, with my lack of opposable thumbs—or any functional limbs for that matter—it took too long to get the lid off the painkillers and Katie caught me in the act.

My thwarted attempt

I can only assume she is forcing me to write this blog as a form of punishment. No one could be stupid enough write a blog in earnest. Anyway, I’ve resigned myself to my fate and can only envy the fictional Ivan Denisovich for his easy life.

Do you know how hard it is to write without fingers?

Now that’ I’ve given you an introduction—and some not so subtle hints that I want to be taken away from this place (ARE YOU LISTENING ASPCA?)—I’ll give you the weekly low down.

Katie forced me to watch Twilight with her and Raeann. While Katie was rolling her eyes in disdain (although I’m pretty sure she actually likes it—I saw her looking at Twilight posters on eBay this morning), I tried to sneak into Raeann’s purse to escape. No such luck.

 This is what I think of Twilight

Katie then sent packages to her roommates. I don’t know who they are but they have to be better than this. I tried to sneak into one of the boxes but again, my attempts were thwarted by Satan (a cute nickname I gave Katie).

On the way to the post office to ship the boxes, I tried to distract Katie hoping we would get in an accident. The cruel Lord simply laughed at my misery.

A distracted driver is a dangerous driver

She then decided to take me to work with her. At a pool. I’M A CAT. I HATE WATER. I tried to drown myself. She saved me because apparently that’s her “job” (note to self: look up “lifeguard duties” when I have time). To relieve my frustration, I peed on her whistle.

Katie just informed me that this weekend we are going out of town. This should provide ample escape opportunities. First up, a Bob Dylan concert. Those old hippies will probably be so stoned I can escape without much work. If that fails, I can escape the next day at the Iowa State Fair. From what I understand, it’s basically a gathering of obese people eating fried foods. There should be some good sized fat rolls I can crawl up into.

Wish me luck. Until next time (although, if all goes according to plan, there won’t be a next time), I’m Ivan Denisovich. God bless.

KB Loves the Olympics

AHHHH!!! Gold medal here, gold medal there. Throw in a couple of bronzes, some sobbing losers, and a couple of doping/cheating scandals and I am as happy as I can be.

Like I said in my two other postings this week, I've been a little too preoccupied with the Olympics to even think about writing a decent blog. Just wait until next week until I BLOW YOUR MINDS.