KB: Destroyer of Childhood Innocence

Katie and I did a whole bunch of nothing this week. Literally nothing. Pretty sure her butt is staring to graft itself to the nearest surface as we speak. I’m not even going to bother detailing my week because it would put you to sleep. I’ve basically spent every waking hour planning more and more outlandish ways to kill Katie. It’s kind of fun and makes time pass slightly faster.

The only thing I did of note this whole week was go to an 11-year-old’s birthday party. Yeah, I thought it was creepy too. Whatever.

Emry, the girl we met previously, was finally celebrating her birthday even though it was almost a full month ago. If you ask me, she was just milking it for all the attention she could get. Probably learned that from Katie.

Anyway, at the party, I was introduced to a foul little creature named Wrinkles that Emry and her friends seemed to like although he manhandled me in an unacceptable manner.

When I told the girls I had enough and was going to kill Wrinkles, they jumped on the bandwagon and helped me plot his murder. WARNING: The following is a graphic image that may not be suitable for all ages. Viewer discretion is advised.

And for your information, that picture was taken by a 5^th grader. Are we sure we really want Katie around the youth of America? Seems like a bad idea to me.

Hopefully I have something more exciting to report next week (fingers crossed it’s Katie’s death). Until then, I’m Ivan Denisovich. God bless.

700 Miles Later

Well. I’m still here and still alive. Whoopdee-fricken-doo.

This last weekend we went banding owls again. Apparently Katie thinks she’s becoming “one with nature” or some other stoner liberal bs. If she really wanted to become “one with nature” though, she’d die and we’d bury her. That way she could literally decompose and become “one with nature.” As usual though, she’s all talk and no action.

I have to say, banding the owls was much more enjoyable this time. For one thing, they caught 14 of those little devils and I was able to squirrel one away for a snack later. For another, I thought Katie was going to poop her pants out of fear on three separate occasions. First off, she had to take one of the birds away from the camper so it could fly away. She basically just sets the thing on her arm and waits for it to fly. This particular bird did not want to leave and sat there for a good 3 minutes. In the meantime, Katie heard a bunch of rustling in the bush nearby and was convinced she was going to be eaten by a mountain lion. When the owl finally did take off, she wasn’t paying attention and the sudden flap of the wing near her face almost gave her a heart attack.

When this little guy flew off, Katie must have jumped about 3 feet in the air 

Next, they were removing a different owl from the net and Katie was holding its razor sharp claws. Not only did she get scratched but the bird jerked down and bit her hand. She was so surprised that she screamed and probably let out a little urine. Also, fingers crossed that she got some crazy untreatable bird disease!

Itching to take a bite out of the finger Katie couldn't manage to get out of the picture

Lastly, the people she was with forgot the box to carry the owls back up at the camper which was about 400 meters from the nets. Katie was sent back up to the camper alone to get the box. It was a super overcast night so you couldn’t see more than a few inches in front of your face and the flashlight she was using kept cutting out. With her overactive imagination and tendency to jump to worst case scenarios, she immediately imagined us being killed by a beast, picked up and carried off for food by an eagle, or—my favorite—running into some crazy hillbilly, Deliverance style.  By the time we got back to the camper, she was basically running. It was hilarious!

She then drove two hours down to Rapid City to get her piece of crap car into the Subaru dealership. She was a nuisance to her kind family that let her stay with them but other than that, she didn’t do anything there. In fact, we spent an afternoon laying outside because it was “nice” out. The only positive side of the Rapid trip is that Katie did just enough walking in her Toms to develop as nice blister on the top of her foot. Maybe it’ll get infected!

How I spent my afternoon 

On a spur of the moment decision, Katie decided to drive 5 and a half hours to Sioux Falls from Rapid. You know, because she was already part of the way there (insert comment about entitled, clueless, white girl here). Her first action upon reaching Sioux Falls was going to Olive Garden with Raeann where she had the misfortune of seeing a mother breastfeeding her baby in the middle of the restaurant and then having said baby shrieking and crying loudly for the next 20 minutes without the parents even attempting to calm it. Katie and I don’t agree on much but we do agree muzzles are a good idea for dogs and babies. Invest. Katie and Raeann then went to The Perks of Being A Wallflower. Which is about a weirdo who is the girl from the Vampire Diaries brother and Kate Walsh’s son. The weirdo starts hanging out with Hermione Granger, her gay brother, Lorelei Gilmore’s daughter on Parenthood and the rest of their friends who are into drugs and The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Yeah, it didn’t make sense to me either. Apparently it’s uplifting. Whatever. Get Hermione back to Hogwarts where she belongs.

We got up the next day, Katie snapped a picture of me with my long lost brother who belongs to Raeann (who, believe it or not, has a worse life than me. I mean, she didn’t even name him) and then decided to drive to Pierre. 

Clearly I'm the only one in the family concerned with keeping a trim body

It was actually a fairly good idea because Pierre is part way between Sioux Falls and Buffalo. Well, it would have been a good idea if the wind wasn’t blowing 40-60 miles an hour. She’s an iffy driver at the best of times but we were literally all over the road as she fought to keep her car (which has the equivalent weight of a matchbox car) on the road. We almost died so many times. And don’t even get me started on the amount of dried corn husks and tumbleweeds blew into our car. Like seriously, South Dakota, can you try a little harder not to live up to all of your stereotypes?

Well, at this rate, who knows where I’ll be next week. Until then, I’m Ivan Denisovich. God bless.

She Almost Died... But Didn't

I’m going to keep it short and sweet this week. My week sucked. Katie sucks. My life sucks.

The only thing of note was that Katie’s aunt and uncle came up this past weekend to visit. She went on a hike with her two uncles and in her out-of-shape state, almost died of exhaustion. 

Never go anywhere without your binoculars

One does not simply go hiking without binoculars

She also had multiple opportunities to fall out of trees as she climbed them to check owl boxes. No such luck.

Look at that, one broken branch or one angry owl and I would have been FREE 

Also, her uncles took her to one of the highest cliffs in Harding County. I assume this was done in an attempt to murder her and make it look like an accident. I even tried to help. Once again, no luck.

 You can't really see me but I'm the blob by her hip trying to push her off the top

Later in the week, we watched the VP debate. Katie, pretentiously, tweeted a bunch of things about the debate like she was somehow smarter than everyone else. As with everything she says, it was ignorant #malarkey.

The only other thing I have to note is that Satan has recently gotten into French music. If you’re thinking to yourself, “geez, I didn’t know Katie spoke French…” You’re right! She doesn’t. She claims she just “likes the way it sounds.” What an idiot. I’m sure it’s another pathetic attempt to appear cultured. Don’t let her act fool you. Seriously, just ask her to pronounce “bouillabaisse.”

 I'm literally rolling my eyes.

That’s all for now, folks. Hopefully by this time next week I’ll be lying in a ditch somewhere dying rather than under the “care” of Katie Buhler. I’m Ivan Denisovich. God bless.

A Sliver of Hope

Well, it looks like I owe you all 50 bucks because Katie—surprisingly—got her stuff together and we are back in Buffalo. Katie’s bank account number is 086179243. Go ahead and take the money I bet you last week.

Like I said, Katie’s car was in the shop and not doing so well. Because of that, she drove down to Rapid City to make sure everything was fine and if it wasn’t, she could take it to the dealership. I’ve never been more excited than our drive down to Rapid because there was a fairly good chance the car would blow up and we would both die in a fiery blaze. Unfortunately, we made it safe and sound. What kind of crap is that?

The next day she drove all over the Black Hills to see how the car handled at different speeds, around sharp corners, and on different surfaces. You know, because she’s a fricken mechanic and knows what to do if something went wrong… NOT.

Also, I’m pretty sure she just wanted to drive around with the windows down and music playing so she could pretend she was in some movie montage or an episode of The Hills or something. And yes—I can confirm that she did listen to Natasha Bedingfield’s “Unwritten.”

We went to Deadwood where she walked around a really old cemetery for a while. I know we all assumed she was off her rocker when she decided to take a year off but apparently we now also need to be concerned that she’s a serial killer. Let’s be honest; none of us would really be surprised.

We then drove on some “highway” that was all gravel that went through a town of about 5 people in the middle of the Hills called “Mystic.” Seriously. Its name is “Mystic” and it has the church pictured below. It’s like she was asking to be murdered by some toothless man of the hills.

We then went to Mount Rushmore. Wtf is that? Is that what you humans spend your time and money on? Carving faces of dead guys into huge mountains and then charging people $20 bucks to see it? That’s ridiculous. Katie, being the cheap bitch she is, decided pulling over to the side of the highway to get George Washington’s profile was good enough for me.

After that we went on Iron Mountain Road, which is narrow, curving, and treacherous even with a good driver. I spent half the drive screaming and the other half vomiting (into Katie’s hair).

 Would you trust Katie driving on this road? Me neither.

 Oh yeah. There were tons of tiny tunnels on the road. Cuz that's safe.

 This sign and this driver are not a good combination.

 And then THIS sign happened...

Since everything seemed fine with the car, Katie bound, gagged, and dragged me back up to Buffalo. Let me tell you, after driving through the Hills thinking you were going to die going around every corner, the straight shot to Buffalo was boring and anticlimactic—although this time I, thankfully, didn’t have to listen to “Unwritten.”

 And this is why truckers go crazy and kill people

What’s funny is, the day we got to Buffalo it was 85 degrees. The next day it was cold and rainy before it dropped low enough to actually snow a little bit. Thankfully, Katie has an incredibly low BMI, which she pretends to be proud of. In actuality though, it’s the reason she has virtually no boobs, butt, or personality. What’s even better is it gives her the poorest circulation of anyone other than a premature infant who smokes. She’s spent the last two days shivering and making half-hearted attempts to get circulation going.

 A little dusting of snow, aka my salvation

At this rate, she’ll be dead by Thanksgiving! I’m full of hope. I’m Ivan Denisovich. God bless.